20 Argument Tactics to Avoid for Effective Communication

Communication Blunders and Bad Argument Tactics – Part 1

1. “That makes no sense”

You can’t expect anything positive to come from telling a person that you think what they’re saying is stupid.  A better choice of words would be, “I don’t understand” or “this does not make sense to me.”

The idea is to communicate how you are relating to the other person’s perspective without casting a negative judgment upon what they are saying.

2. “I told you so”

I vote to completely remove the phrase “I told you so” from the English vocabulary.  If you believe a circumstance has happened that proves your previous point to be correct, there’s a great chance that the other person recognizes this without you throwing it in their face.

If possible, catch yourself before these words come out of your mouth and think about what you will accomplish.  You won’t make the other person more likely to listen to you in the future, but you may leave them feeling negatively about their choice.  And you have greater issues that need to be addressed if hurting the other person is what you desire from a quarrel.

If you are so insecure or egocentric that you have an obsessive need to be proven right, you may benefit more from self improvement information than the person you’re arguing with.

3. “It doesn’t matter”

If you’ve thrown this phrase around in the middle of an argument, you know that it is usually not true.  The very fact that you’re going back and forth with someone on an issue means that it matters.  Nonetheless, we often get frustrated and just want the disagreement to end.

Unfortunately, an issue that is left unaddressed will fester within.  And it will resurface like a thief in the night when you least expect it.

Instead of throwing in the towel, try taking a deep breath and a few moments to yourself.  Revisit the issue when both parties have calmed down.

4. “You’re not listening”

In an argument, both people are often so busy defending their position that they are not listening to each other.  However, when one person says, “you’re not listening,” the other simply disagrees by saying, “yes I am.”  And then both people sit there arguing about whether or not they’re listening.  What a waste of time and energy!

A more effective way to let someone know that you don’t think they’re hearing what you have to say is: “I don’t feel that I’m getting my point across to you. “  Yes, both statements are similar, but the former casts blame and will only lead to more defensive behavior.  Encourage the behavior that you want rather than griping about what you don’t like.

5. “Whatever…”

It is just a word, but in the middle of a disagreement, it’s toxic.  It sends a strong message.  That message is basically, “I don’t care what you’re saying” or “I’m not listening to you” or “Your opinions don’t matter.”

For obvious reasons, this doesn’t go over well and it hinders any possibility of a resolution.

6. “It’s your fault because…”

Blame is never the way to go for effective communication.  Even if you feel that a situation is clearly the fault of another, DON’T SAY IT.

There’s a huge chance that the other person will not agree that they are at fault, thus raising the level of intensity in the disagreement.  And even if they do accept fault, it doesn’t change the position that you were in when the dispute began.

In your communication with others, focus on a goal.  If the goal is to fix a broken system at work, discuss solutions rather than worrying about who caused the problem.  Remember… if you’re busy blaming, you’re a big part of the reason that the issue remains unresolved.

7. “You made me feel…”

This is a big one, particularly in romantic (and other non-business) relationships.  We’ve all heard some variation of this one. “You made me feel unwanted,” “you made me feel stupid,” “you made me mad,” “you hurt my feelings,” “you don’t make me feel special.”

The way you feel often seems so related to the words or actions of others that you see them as the cause of your feelings.  Well, this isn’t exactly a fair burden to place on another person.  Furthermore, giving someone else control over your feelings is an act of being unfair to yourself.

Realize that what you feel is caused by what you think about what the person did or said—not by their words or actions alone.

If someone says that you’re an idiot, you can choose to let that make you upset or you can dismiss it as hogwash.  The choice is yours, so accept responsibility rather than passing it off.

Nobody wants to be blamed for making you do, think, or feel something that they really don’t have control over. And personal accountability should be a major part of your self improvement journey.

8. “Everybody else…”

We start using this phrase in childhood to convince our parents that they should act like other parents.  However, it spills over into adulthood as we use other people’s situations as supporting evidence for our arguments.

“Everybody else sees it my way,” is not a phrase that induces effective communication.  The underlying message is, “I have majority opinion on my side, so you are wrong.”

This is not the way you want to come across, so stick to the facts and leave everybody else out of it.

9. “Anybody could see that…”

If you think that something positive will come out of a statement that tells a person you think they’re an idiot, try using the phrase, “Anybody could see that…”

Any hope of successful communication may fly right out of the door at the moment these words seep from your lips.  So, you may want to avoid using this counter-productive phrase; as well as, the one word version of it: obviously.

In the middle of an argument, the word “obviously” has the same negative connotation as “anybody could see….” And both statements are likely to be translated as, “This is obvious, yet you don’t get it, so you must be stupid.” That’s almost as bad as a slap across the face.

Think about it this way: If what you’re saying is actually obvious, there won’t be a disagreement.  So just avoid any statement which implies that your point-of-view is the obvious truth.  For the only thing that is obvious is that the topic at hand isn’t obvious to at least one person—and that’s the only person (other than yourself) that matters during the disagreement.

10. “Yeah Right…”

When you’re arguing with someone who offers a truce, it’s not exactly a good idea to make a statement that shows your lack of confidence.  If you don’t believe the person you’re speaking with, it may be tempting to say, “Yeah right… you won’t do what you say” or “this change won’t last.”  However; if you feel strongly that you can’t trust someone to do what they’re saying, a better choice may be to eliminate your interaction with them.

A relationship, whether business or personal, is bound for turmoil if there is no trust between the two parties.